Surprised by Pregnancy, Marveled by God

Michelle A.

Show me your ways, Lord,
Teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
For you are God my Savior,
And my hope is in you all day long. 

Psalm 25:4-5

Whether we are comfortable with where we are in life or whether we are in the midst of a critical point of decision-making, we all need direction. For so long my prayer to God had been for Him to open the doors He wanted to open for me and close the ones He wanted to close. 

At a point in my life when I was so comfortable and content, about to start my career, God answered my prayer. I unexpectedly became pregnant, and just like that, He closed the door to a job opportunity I thought I was meant to have. At the time, the shock of my pregnancy and the disillusionment I felt because I would not be able to take the job cast a shadow on the truly miraculous process of carrying life. I didn’t want to be pregnant just yet. I didn’t really even like kids. I wanted to pursue my career. 

So, as you can imagine, those first few weeks of pregnancy were rough. Of course, I knew the child was a blessing and that whether it was convenient or not, this was the direction my life was going to take. Still, my self-centred point of view clouded my judgment and prevented me from seeing that God had, indeed, answered my prayer. He had closed a door He did not want me to enter and opened a completely different one. Laden as it was with uncertainty and with fear of the unknown, the door He opened led me to the unparalleled privilege and joy of motherhood. 

Oftentimes we are so comfortable with where we are, and in that comfort, we undermine God’s magnitude and power to do that which is beyond our expectations. Despite our proclivity to try to make our ways His ways, God moves powerfully in our lives to reveal that His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55: 8-9). As we ask God to show us His ways, we relinquish control of that which we don’t have control over in the first place. We wait for Him, and we watch Him move our lives oftentimes in unexpected but always redemptive ways. 

Through His blood but also through motherhood, God redeemed me and continues to redeem me. When pride and selfish ambitions ruled my life, He forced me to take my eyes off of myself and cast them on a tiny babe who didn’t demand a portion of my time, but all of my time, all of me. 

Unlike King David, I never asked God to “create in me a clean heart...and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10). And yet, in tenderness, He did that anyway because He knew that was exactly what I needed. I needed to soften my heart, I needed to love selflessly, and I needed to allow His sovereignty to reign in my life. Praise Christ for knowing what and who I needed even when I, myself, didn't. 

If you’re looking for direction— and let’s face it, we all are— join me in this prayer: Lord, we lift up our eyes to You because You alone are the only truth, the only way, the only life. Lord, please open the doors You want to open for us and close the ones You want to close. Make known Your way to us, guide us, and let Your will be done. Amen.  

Michelle A.

LA, CA

IG: @jayalexandrablog